I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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