My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Randomize
