They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
