Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
