none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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