I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
