Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!