2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
