i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going