i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
