I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
