The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
