so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
