the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
