Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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