Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
