You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
