My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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