do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
