god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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