it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
