erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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