Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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