I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
