that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
