Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
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I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink