so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
