I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
