i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
