i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I have already put on my inside pants.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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