I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
