so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
