That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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