New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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