My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
