I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
