His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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