I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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