The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
