Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize