You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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