I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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