My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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