apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
