Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
