she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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