we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Randomize
