I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
