dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
