I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
