I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
