Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Found the puke drawer
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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