On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
