i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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