So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
