No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
