The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
