He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
