I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
