every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
