Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
