the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
