I think my fart just growled at me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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