At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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